Interpersonal relationships are a fertile and inexhaustible that inspires not only the directotes and writers, but also scientists. Among these, a special place is occupied by Eric Berne and his book “Games in which we participate”, which is considered a cult in psychology. The doctor describes the popular schemes of play into adult life and gives tips on how to recognize and stop the game on time.
We in Great.guru , we have chosen the most popular scripts that are developed in marital relations. For a demonstration understandable, the author puts as an example a couple of fiction.
1. “It is all your fault”
The woman often complains that he has not achieved much in her life because her husband is a tyrant. Restricted in everything, even in dance classes. Without a doubt, between your well-known there are several women of this type. It is interesting that when the man allowed his wife to learn to dance, it turned out that I had a panic on the dance floor.
Play the “Everything is your fault“, is just a way of justifying their own fears, our own laziness, or other reasons which do not allow you to dance, or do any other thing. Besides, the feeling of guilt that the woman imposes her husband allows her to receive gifts and other courtesies on your part.
- What can you do? This game continues as long as something is prohibited. As soon as the husband, instead of saying, ”don’t you dare meet up with your friends on Friday“, say “Forward!”, everything will fit in its place. And most likely it will be that the friends are busy and she does not have the urge to go.
2. “The dead end”
Imagine that the woman invites her husband to go to the movies and he accepts. Begin to dress and then she suddenly declares that it would not hurt to make some arrangements at home. By surprise the husband responds abruptly: “there is No money! Work from sun up to sun down, what more can I do?”
The lady is offended and offers her husband to go to the cinema alone, because it is in a bad mood. And he is going alone. Perhaps not going to the cinema, but went out with his friends to a bar, for example. And the woman remains in a cul-de-sac that she herself chose. But it has one more card: the opportunity to blame her husband for having left her alone.
What can you do? The two of you can stop this game. It is easier for the woman, because she knows the hardness of your husband is a normal reaction to a statement out of context. And he really works a lot and his behavior is an attempt to draw attention. All you need to do is to make the game, accept that you are working hard and postpone the conversation about the refaccionamiento until better times.
The husband also can stop all this. He knows that the offense of his wife should not be taken seriously. She actually wants her husband to pet him and ask him not to be offended. He should make the game, and then the two quite happy to go to the cinema.
This game is often played in public. The husband tells a story or simply say a sentence that leaves his wife badly broken, but at the end he adds: “isn’t that right, dear?“ And the more injurious is the story, more sarcastically sounds the word ”dear“.
As a result, it achieves the goal: the spouse is defamed, but the last sentence does not allow to blame the guy a bad attitude towards her. The woman begins to get angry, but do not have objective reasons to do so. Because, seen from outside, your husband is such a sweetheart and this also plays against it.
- What can you do? Eric Berne offers 3 options. The first is the most difficult. Talk with your partner and allow them to tell these kinds of stories, but ask that you do not call you using nicknames are affectionate. The second, to the question “what Truth, my dear?” in a pleasant way and without emotions answer: ”Yes, dear“. The third option (it is better to use it rarely) is, instead of accepting, tell a similar story about your partner and finish with the phrase: ”isn’t that right, dear?”
4. “Look at what I did because of you”
The husband’s stonewalling in the bathroom and concentrating as much as possible, paint the pipes. At that time the bride appears with the question: “do you love Me?“ Or with other questions everyday: ”are you Going to eat?“, “Are we going to walk?” Distracted by his wife, dropping the jar of paint on her leg and with the phrase ”Look what I did for thy guilt” starts a scandal.
- What can you do? In fact, the neglect of the lord was caused by their own irritability, because he, like many of us, do not like to be disturbed at those times. It may also be that you are upset because you are tired of working with the paint. In any case, to stop this game it would be better for the wife to leave her husband alone with the pipes.
5. “Do you realize how trying?”
The husband wants the divorce but doesn’t want to be your initiator. His wife sees that something is not going well in the family, and invites her husband to consult a psychologist. He accepts, but begins to behave even worse, trying to prove in this way that the therapy does not work. In the end, the lady will get tired and ask for divorce. The man rejoices. Achieved his goal, but he is not to blame, because I didn’t want the divorce and even tried to prevent it.
Another popular example of this game is the situation in which one of the spouses does not work because you are lazy. In a loud voice does not count the true reason of being without employment, but skillfully creates the appearance of an active search for work. This allows you to respond to any reproach or question with anger: “do You realize how trying? “. After this, the desire to touch this topic disappears for a long time, and one has a feeling of guilt, because he sees that you really try to.
- ¿Qué you can do? The essence of the game is that its initiator transfers the importance of the problem to its solution. Therefore, there is that offer to consult a psychologist (Bern advised the woman to go alone), or help finding job offers. Your help is very easy to manipulate. Because after the phrase ”This is your solution and also does not work, but try” all questions disappear.
Eric Berne says that the first situation (“it is All your fault”) is the most common for most couples. Do you agree with it or the other schemes are as common as this?
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